Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

   A couple is having sex and suddenly the boy stops and his girlfriend says "What are you doing?" The boy says "I've seen this on a porn once, it's called buffering"

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.

   talk is cheap, thats why everyone can afford it

   What do you call a thousand armed lesbians?... Militia Ethridge!

   Whats Brown and hides in the attic? The diarhea of Ann Frank!

   What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?.... Wipes his ass.

   Nightmare George Michael been sent to prison his going to be busy in them showers ...

   A freak can easily spot a freak even when proffesional business white collar attire

   Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.

   Little known fact of the day: The tooth-brush was invented in Eastern Kentucky. My guess is, if it was invented any where else, it would have be called a teeth-brush.

   girl, your pants are so tight, I could read your lips!

   brushing his tooth

   Ask the married guys is it worth the fn youve gotten for the fn your getting