Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe. Can't stand me? Sit down. Can't face me? Turn around and start walking!

   and 17 other friends removed you from their friend list on Facebook.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   When somebody flips you off, just stick up your whole hand and say, meet the family.

   ARE you AS BORED AS I AM? Read these words backwards and it still makes sense.

   If you had sex for 365 days, kept all the condoms and made a tire out of it, what would you call it? A F*CKING GOODYEAR!

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?

   Real eyes realize real lies.

   wonders why people fart and waste, when you can burp and taste....

   I'm determined to conquer every obstacle, and make impossible possible. Even when winning is illogical, losing is still far from optional.

   I am a really nice guy. You know why? Because a woman stays in my mind, lives in my heart, and I've never asked her for the rent.

   Love is a fire... But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall--until I gave him a good, swift kick ;-)

   I will take a chance, I will Dance until the Day I Die, I will never look back.. Did I really need Katy Perry to tell me all that? No, But after watchin' her music video. I will dream like a teenager tonight."

   Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you've been screwed to get there.

   99% of teens today would die if Facebook had an error and shut down. Make this your status if you'd be part of the 1% laughing! :)

   Don't make decisions when ur angry... and don't make promises when ur happy...

   NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE... even the word itself says "IM POSSIBLE."

   Look at your keyboard and I notice "U" & "I" are together... it's meant to be! Now look just beneath it... JK!

   We should ask Mexico to be our 51st state. We'd have people to do the jobs we don't want to do and would get the jobs back they sent there. Plus, some great real estate!