Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   I bribed a cop this morning, handed him my drivers license with a doughnut underneath

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   I'm pretty sure the guy who came up with Guitar Hero got the idea from a scantron test!

   My wife told me that a friend of hers gets smacked abound by her husband. Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once. "That's what I love about you," I said. She said, "What do you mean?" I replied, "You learnn from your mistakes."

   When I go to the deli counter at the supermarket, I just ask for ham. They have way too many options there, and I really don't care what kind I get. I just want some damn ham. I'm completely hambiguous.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   For fun, I cut out jack-o-lantern, put it on my head, and went into stores, asking if they sold pumpkin pie. When the startled employees said yes, I would leave the store yelling "Murderer's!" over and over again.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.

   You know sh*ts about to go down when someone says, "hold my beer & watch this",..

   Went to Arby's today, and had a buddy hide in the trunk. When we got to the window to pickup our order, We had him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.I turned up the stereo, and handed the guy my money, and said loudly "I LOVE this song!!"

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   all I need is a little piece and quiet, so give me a little piece and i'll be quiet

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   Wonders when my kids are going to realize the bathroom is not a portal to another dimension, and I am not running away- I just need to pee.

   Never hit a man with glasses...try using a baseball bat.

   if stupidity was music you would be a one man band!!!