Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

   The lies pornos tell...smh...Not every woman would f*ck some random guy at the door with a "special" package!!...and why doesnt he have shirt on??

   frolicking in the meadow over yonder.

   donating money to various GAY FRIENDLY groups in the name of the Westboro Baptist church.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn't work.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   go to Google and push the play button. You're Welcome:)

   loves playing with it more and more the longer it gets! (my hair)

   Does womens restrooms have attendants in the fancy strip clubs? If so how do I apply?

   My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation

   divorce is unexpected sometimes...I know you don't have facebook hubby but the biotch your doing that has been creeping my status can give ya this message....lawyer will be in touch with the divorce papers you cheating jerk!!

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)