Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to paaarty....

   secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg.... will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   I passed a Deloreon the other day. I thought... ‎1985 had Ronald Reagan, Rambo, rubics cube, mullets and Bon Jovi. Why would anyone time travel 2010? Obama, Justin Bieber, and Glee are enough reasons to try a different decade.

   ATTENTION: Those of you who are posting pictures on fb that are sideways, there are 2 arrows on the bottom right hand side of the photo. I don't care which one you pick just pick one & Keep clicking it until it's right side up...my neck is starting to h

   has a dog with no legs named Cigarette. Everyday I put on his leash and take him out for a drag.

   ...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

   WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS? IT'S THE MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TWENTY YEARS! IT'S ALL MCCRAP! JUST ORDER!

   was going to go to Walmart today but my tie dyed t-shirt and my sweatpants with whole in the arse of em were in the wash, besides , I had a haircut yesteday and it's neat and tidy , I just wouldn't have fit in

   wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT

   catching flies and turning them into crawls

   Instead of RIP, do Hindus put BRB on their gravestones?

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   Nothing sucks worse then buying a girl drinks all night and watching her leave with another dude.

   The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes

   am I the only one who gets the urge to kick small children when I see them walking really slowly in front of me?

   The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA

   Laundry, my old nemesis…so we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played evil villian, well played.

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   Wanted, Teenager owners manuel for models 1993 thru 1996. Must be kid tested and mother approved.