Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keep your lips sealed....even deaf people can read.

   I represent The Pizza Is Too Damn Good party... People eatin pizza 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week, my main job is to provide pizza for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Listen some childs stomach just growled did ya hear it?Give em pizza! Pizza Too Damn Good

   You know if you roll down fast and steady enough, it gives the illusion of electric windows.

   gotta love it when 75% of commercials are political ads. I find it odd that I'm actually looking forward to when commercials are 100% commercials again.

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)

   Sometimes I hear music so bad that I think the government should also enforce a five-day waiting period for buying a guitar.

   Ever wonder how that one single black hair got all the way up there on your shower wall?

   Sony announces it will no longer make Walkman cassette players. In other news, Sony was still making Walkman cassette players?

   give us back Heath Ledger in replacement for the whole cast of the Twilight Series and Justin Beiber.... Fair trade?

   It's a total mood killer when you go in the bathroom after your girlfriend and realize she forgot to flush!

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.

   Being a TV writer for CSI: Miami would be the best. You would never get rejected. "Your script is over-the-top and and makes no sense. We love it!"

   9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;)

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   The rent is too damn high!!!!!

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?