Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you better check yourself... before you wreck yourself.

   Don't you just hate it when you hop out the shower & the first thing you feel is that" I have to doo doo feeling " I swear poop has no respect at all !!!!

   For the whole month of November I'll be starting a new business. I'm going to give out free rebound sex to all of the heart broken females out there. I know.... I know.... It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it.

   Obama slogan went from " Yes We Can" to " Thought We Could".

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Really? If you can pee that high, DEFINITELY join the fire brigade. Yah

   What the f**k's wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me

   Genius - The ability to produce fantastic amounts of equally fantastic bullsh*t that all makes perfect sense

   How much for the frog? No, that one.... No, THAT one. Goddammit, how much for the frog, that one with the tail?... Well excuse me! How much for the lizard then

   Whoever invented calories is gonna get their face f***ed with ice cream cake.. .

   Buffalo wings? Are you insane? Those cows can't fly. It's a lie, I tell you

   Life's a beach....and i'm playing in the sand...

   so my xgirlfriend just caught me banging her sister, this is a good time for the kool-aid guy to jump through the wall

   my girlfriend just popped in on trying on her bra's.. this would be a good time for me to shove a twix in my month

   just kicked off of public transportation

   time for all the bloodsuckers to come out again...not Halloween...election time

   9 out of 10 guys likes girls with big boobs. The 10th guy likes the other 9 guys

   I have no problem texting and driving. Now texting while walking downstairs, that stuff is dangerous!

   (f*-*)f(f*-*)f(f*-*)f <<Thriiiller!!!

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?