Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HAPPY CHILDRENS DAY :)

   You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.

   I wonder how we know to eat eggs,did someone say"see that chicken over there, I'm goin eat the 1st thing that comes outta its butt"

   Mark Zuckerberg really controls all of our lives, at any moment he could decide to take Facebook offline.

   You know....spooning leads to forking right?

   what happens when you spill carpet cleaner?

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   kiss my asprin

   before lady Di, I never heard of Paparazzi.., I thought it was a circus act or something

   ...so you're talking and you feel like no one's listening at all? rip off a good loud fart. that'll get everybody's attention!

   stands mighty in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow

   Poker face? Yeah I would and then some.

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   Nothing is more irritating than someone that updates there status every two minutes.

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   Most fairy tales start with,"Once upon a time",my story starts with,"you ain't gonna believe this crap!"

   My mom and I were playing "Call of Duty" the other day.... I was calling her to check if she was doing the cleaning, cooking, and ironing