Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

   Really suffering from PMS today - Premature Monday Syndrome.

   I don't get it?? How are dead people making new songs? On the radio it just said MJs new tune? It's the same with 2pac? Great skills... It's gonna be the same when I kick the bucket, I'm still gonna update Facebook

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   suffering from PMS- Premature Morning Syndrome

   man walks into a room where he see's his wife watching a cookery programme. "Why you watching that", he says "you can't cook !". His wife replies "Why do you watch porn ?"

   Seems the Meadowlands couldn't handle all the Cowboy's touchdown. The stadium had no choice but to short circuit and shut down due to the confusion. For 12 minutes fans were able to experience a real Cowboys game...a complete blackout.

   wondering...If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

   (With French accent) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

   ‎84 yr old Queen Elizabeth just started a facebook page. I'm going to poke her.

   thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace

   playing Call of Doodie

   AR15 rifle with scope- $1,600, 900 Rds of Lake City XM193 AF 5.56 loaded in 30 magazines $600, Emergency food suplies $1000, Cost of everything during the zombie apocalypse = Priceless

   The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be renamed Rich MILFs

   so awesome that "The Most Interesting Man in The World" is jealous.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.