Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Well at least he was voted most popular kid in high school that rode the short bus because he could buy beer legally without needing a fake ID.

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Suicide hotline, please hold....

   Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   I used to care but now I take a pill for that...

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

   I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics

   Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...

   I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.

   enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?

   ...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!

   beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.