Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man doesn't have to worry about people staring at his patch.

   Russians have grossly misunderstood roulette. Someone needs to tell them it's gambling on numbers, not maybe killing yourself.

   wants a full-body scan AND a pat-down! Mmmmm...

   I always wanted to read other people's minds, well now there's facebook where everyone just thinks out loud. Thank you facebook, the future is here.

   So when your sexting...do you get a phoner?

   never make eye-contact with anyone while eating a banana

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   My mother now has Gchat. You will no longer know how inappropriate my thoughts are via status updates. Today my status is "I like studying and Jesus."

   learned that you should never say "boom" at the airport. looks like i'm missing my flight

   I like to spend my weekends at Burgerking pretending I'm on Man vs Food...

   A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. There worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin, funny when your dead how people start listenen

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat...it makes you lean...against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ....Ugly people!!!

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   If you pass after drinking Wild Turkey, just blame it on tryptophan.

   Why is Darth Vader called "Darth Vader"? Because "Master Vader" just sounds wrong.

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   MONDAYS ARE FOR MASOCHISTS. It's bleak and raining and there's not one dang cookie in the house.

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I had a recurring dream once !