Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   It's a good thing I have Facebook. Otherwise I'd be doing something dumb right now like being efficient at my job.

   I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car

   The future of TSA, ma'am bend over, spread your cheeks, cough!

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   thankful he's not a turkey

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? “If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!”

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving "You're Welcome Day."

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?