Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.

   Give back to your community what they claim to have given to you.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   My daughter spilled a whole bottle of baby powder on her room because she wanted to practice ice skating. Are you serious Disney channel?

   If we really want to keep our sensitive documents safe... Why don't we keep them with Obamas birth certificate?

   I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   succesfully finished his rubiks cube, waiting for the paint to dry now

   I can hardly stand the wait, please christmas don't be late!!

   Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

   Dad, you are like a father to me.

   I won a trip to China now am stuck here waiting to win a trip back home

   I'm almost positive that Mariah Carey will give birth to a stuffed animal.

   found a short cut for this years Marathon

   Sarah Palin has a new reality TV show. Now all she has to do is enter reality.

   If your stepbrother is gay does that make him your half sister ?

   born with no eyelids. Doctor used some of the extra foreskin from my circumcision to make some. He said I would be fine, just a little cock-eyed.

   Studies show that excessive poking can make you go blind.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. Shirley, he will be missed.