Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.

   Just took a duce so big and hard I think it was my first gay experience

   that was a sweet lifeguard job till the stupid blue kid got me fired.

   I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself.

   my mum thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your uncle just died. LOL."

   If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists ? :p

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong

   polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist

   When you think about your dreams and goals, instead of asking yourself what's stopping you, figure out what's starting you.

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?