Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to make Christmas cookies with dog bone cookie cutters & see if anyone eats them this year!!!

   I went for a walk on the beach with this chick I liked, and we came across this dead bird. I said, "Eew look at that dead bird!" She looked UP and said, "Where??" I didnt call her again after that. :|

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   Florida school board shooter's wife says husband 'misunderstood'. Yeah, he misunderstood how to aim.

   Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve.

   Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.

   Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

   I finally found something Sarah Palin and I have in common. We've both failed Trig.

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.

   "Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

   Try this, the next time your friend is drunk, switch his/her mom's number with their girlfriend/boyfriend's...

   - Why is it that if a guy proposes to a girl and she's refuses it's called 'wanting her freedom' and when a girl proposes to a guy and he refuses, it's called 'being scared of commitment'. =|

   Ctrl+V...Ruining every sense of originality since its invention.

   OK Santa I followed your stupid rules all year...it was hard not killing anyone or punching anyone in the face but I did it.....so If Milla Jovovich isn't under my tree this year you'll be first on the hit list Fat Man!

   I've Decided To Get MARRIED :All Women May Now FORM AN ORDERLY LINE...... .. Only The Most Beautiful Or The Very Rich Women Need Apply . . Please Send Me A Private Message With Your Photo or A copy Of Your Bank Balance ,The Winner Will Notified By email