Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the doctor says "drop your pants" I can never resist the urge to say "ooooohhh....Kinkeh!"

   I hate it when elderly women try to trick you. Like when they make chocolate chip cookies, and you take a bite only to notice it's filled with raisins and not chocolate chips! EVIL I tell you ...those cheapskates!

   I always like to keep a "trial size" hand sanitizer with me at all times. Not to keep my hands clean, but in case I have to "fake" sneeze on the back of someones head for being an idot or slow.

   When you send me a message that starts off "I remember how much fun we had!" in your friend request...Please take the profile picture of your grandmother with the new baby down. That scares the hell out of me!

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks

   When he says "We could be friends".. I feel like replying " We COULD be rare specimen of an exotic breed of dancing african elephants, But we are not... Atleast, I'M not !!

   I would respond to your last question, but I am really tired of speaking stupid!

   I once could hear everything but your cries..but now I cant hear anything but your silence....

   I hate to break it to you, fatty, but shaving and leaving just a line of facial hair along your jaw line is not going to make your double chin disappear, it'll make you look even fatter.

   Dear Santa, My wish 4 this year is a big, fat bank account & a slim body. Pls don't mix these 2 up like you did last year!!!!!

   What's love got to do with it.....all I said is I wanted to have sex ;)

   just saw a commercial for cat litter that is so good, it claims it is "double duty" acting... I think they should have spelled it "double DOODIE"!

   Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.

   Justin Bieber nominated 4 two Grammys? Well, you go girl.

   drawing graffiti on his wall "▄█▀ █▬█ █ ▀█▀". What do you think?

   If your birthstone is gravel, you might be a redneck.

   too many people buy stuff they don't want, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like

   Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.

   Mystery: why black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars.