Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   it sad that I'm more excited for jersey shore tonight, then I was when the ball was dropping on new years eve???

   My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore.

   I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear a sweater...just not as sexy.

   I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered.

   his wife is a good cook...she makes the best damn ice cubes he has ever had

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   The new 'Huckleberry Finn' - where Jim is shackled, beaten & kept as human livestock, but nobody calls him any bad words.

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music of the internet.

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   I'm fairly certain with some BLING and a TIARA I could rule the world :)

   Okay, this Thousands of Falling Dead Bird and 2 million Dying Fish thing isn't funny anymore Steven Spielberg!!!