Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None...it should be open when she brings it to ya.

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake

   looked up the word "thug" in the dictionary. The definition was "Auburn".

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.

   Shhhhhhhhhh....you had me at, "..$20 does include the spanking.."

   I just tried turning the volume up on my computer using the TV remote.... I think I need to question the state of my mental health 0.o

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!

   while seeking revenge dig 2 graves.....................one for yourself

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   You know times are tough when you receive a friend request on facebook from Tom Anderson (MySpace). I guess he is one of the 47% that got fired from MySpace!

   Just had the misfortune of watching some of MTV's "reality" shows...I'll take "Why the Mayan's decided to end it in 2012" for $1000.00 Alex....

   keep symbols for the symbol-minded

   What makes me so funny? My strict diet of sunshine and unicorn meat!

   just changed my boss's password on his computer to --> C : [Enter] # # #....yeah, I'm a smidge disgruntled...

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   If all this Global Warming keeps up, I think Atlanta may have to add to it's fleet of 8 snow-plows......