Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   So, you say it was a long day huh? Well I bet it was 24 hrs long just like everybody elses!

   3 main causes of war: Greed, Racism, Religion. I'll stay away from each.

   Anyone remember when MTV was "white"?

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   Because we're all so offensive and opinionated, anything about politics, religion, race, current events, and alcohol will always get the most votes and comments.

   Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip

   LIFE IS SHORT... PLAY NAKED

   I just noticed that I walked around all morning with a ball point pen in my shirt pocket WITHOUT the cap on...think I finally earned the right for my 'Thug Life' tattoo...

   has a hangover so bad that the only thing keeping him alive is the hope that he'll drop dead

   how do you stop a RAVENS fan from masterbating? Paint it BLACK and GOLD he will never beat it again!

   The Green Gay Fudge Packers are going down on Sunday!

   Warning!!!! I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!