Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   naked in the shower. (You're welcome ladies.)

   Anytime something goes wrong and everyone looks at you just jump out your seat and yell "Mortal Kombat!!" while beating on your chest! That should clear the room nicely.

   Today, I'm hosting a jousting tournament for ALL kids in the neighborhood! All you need is: $10 (entry fee), a bike, and a broom OR mop!

   I was in a Spelling Bee onze. But I lost bekause the other students cheeted.

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.

   blocked you from reading this awesome Facebook status update. Please try back later.

   The Best part of tonight is no alarm clock tomorrow

   Somebody made alot of money selling their baby to Elton John! Hope he doesn't let the "SON go down on him."

   UPDATE: I'm still handsome.

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief

   So happy Regis Philbin is finally retiring...I hear he's been trying to vacate his stool for years.

   I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my Polish friends..

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   This is my butt (_._) This is my butt in jail (__o__)

   Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

   The status you are trying to read cnnot be wiewed from your current country or location.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   My girlfriend and I always have sex doggy style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.