Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   S(he) (is) Br(ok)en.

   you know the economy is bad when you get a check from the government and it bounces! Good luck my fellow Americans

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer!

   Oprah sister is the new Pat; Pat is the new Stedman and Stedman is the new Tampon.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!

   : If you have ever seen me drunk, click the 'like' button... 30 or more likes, you have a problem.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...

   We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.

   Attracting men is just like fishing. You just have to wiggle the bait.

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day