Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

   Seems like the pajama market on eBay is starting to get price gouged.

   some people write LOCKDOWN cuz they can't spell KWARANTEEN!!

   Think I need to take a break from Facebook as although it's been great being able to keep in contact with you all and I'll miss you I have to go inside to let my phone charge for about an hour.

   I wasn’t going to vote for B¡den, but now that 0bama has endorsed him, I’m not going to vote for him even harder.

   Woman walks in Dentist office with a pet: Do you work on dogs? Dentist: No why? Woman: My Yorky has a severe underbite. Dentist: Mam, that's a Shih Tzu.

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

   me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

   I've been staring at my ceiling fan thinking if it could hold my weight, this quarantine thing would be way more enjoyable.

   1st Cannibal: Should I boil this missionary? 2nd Cannibal: Don’t be silly – that’s a friar!

   when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

   [Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.

   I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

   No quarantine has all five: – ur partner – balcony / garden – pasta – quiet neighbours – hi speed wifi

   2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

   Covid-19 Log -4/14/20: Shaved my shoulders.

   If it's good news, I'm taking all the credit. If it's bad news, I'm blaming others.