Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   I ran out of deodorant this morning and tried my wife's Secret deodorant and I can tell you fella's it really is "strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman."

   Now I heard women have like a sixth sense to tell what a guy is thinking about..And I wanna see if its true...So what am I thinking abou tright now??...(. )( .)...Give up??

   I just went to that God wants you to know app.. It said, "Nothing" :-/

   Fortune Cookies Lie...

   Thinks that there should be handicapped parking for drunk and stoned people..just saying.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I must go to work! there are people on welfare depending on me.

   Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)

   What were the Beckhams thinking, calling their baby girl Harper Seven? If she'd been born 15 minutes later she could have been Kwarta Eight LOL

   A girl sleeps wit a lot of men she's a sl*t, but if a guy sleeps with alot of women he's the man. Not a double standard, look at it like this. If a key opens alot of locks it's a master key, if a lock gets opened by alot of keys then it's a sh*tty lock.

   It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.

   I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.

   Brooklyn was conceived in brooklyn, Romeo in rome, Cruz on a cruise and harper 7 conceived on 7 pints of harp

   Skinny girls think their chubby, chubby girls think their fat, fat girls think their obese and obese girls think their supermodels

   Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world

   i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house

   Regular hobos live in a card board box Greek mythology Hobos live in Pandora's box

   sometimes when I bleed I pretend I just had a red Gatorade and that i'm just sweating like a pro