Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!

   I took my friend Damien (aka C-Brick) to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film. He spent most the night signing autographs after the movie....

   Secret Lovers my a$$! Why be someone's dirty little secret when you can be someone else's pride and joy?

   Monday sounds alot like "Mundane"...just sayin...:(

   It was so hot today I had to stick my head in the oven just to cool off...

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I am like that one song on your iPod that's five times louder than the rest.

   During sex, I like to freak out my girlfriend by saying stuff like, "Fu*k me like a cold glass of milk"

   Every Villain In Movies: "But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so someone can come and save you"

   I took my Girlfriend to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film, She spent most the night signing autographs...

   "Ohhhh Shanaynay! That Hoe Just Called You Ghetto!" "Aww Hell Naw! Hold my food stamps!"

   If they lined up all of your girlfriends it would look like the cast of planet of the apes

   Vampires have lost alot of street cred the last few years. They used to be scary, now everyone thinks they're a bunch of emo b*tches.

   Fell out of the boat today after watching shark week........ I swam like a two legged deer

   I used to love to give pretend shots with a mechanical pencil

   Nothing says "I have no life," quite like people who listen to Nascar on the radio.