Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets 
As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.
look into my eyes, now sleep, sleep.....sleeep, so I can steal your pop-tarts
Mexican words for the day...JEWEL & JAMAICAN Usage...I know one day JEWEL make me happy but today JAMAICAN me crazy!!
Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.
On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !
Completed 19 yrs in this life.,.,., but will always be "18 TILL I DIE"
Just heard Obama is going on a 9-day vacation, I just assumed he's been on vacation.
Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....
Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind
Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself
So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?
Well-behaved people rarely make history.
I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.
What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates. 