Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   Guys who claim they are players usually get no plays. Beware of the quiet private ones.

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   Note to women: Its not that difficult to put the seat down if its left up.

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!