Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than not getting a joke, is being offended by one.

   Too bad Freddie Mercury was a fl@mer. He could've had any 67 year old woman in the northeastern US.

   Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   Pretending that looters, rioters, assaulters and arsonists are "peaceful protesters" does not make you look like a sympathizer. It makes you look like an id!ot..

   If the Wuhan lab had been in Vegas we wouldn't have to worry about this virus cause what happen in vegas stays in vegas

   I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died

   One bad cop became the cure for Corona. Who knew?

   The same people who were making tiktok videos when quarantine started are the ones rioting now

   If someone can explain to me how stealing and destroying is a panacea for easing racial tensions, I'm all ears.

   Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

   I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

   You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.