Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.

   Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person

   Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.

   I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

   Whats the similarity between Men and Rats? They all run around looking for Holes

   The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.

   Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle.

   If you're always being cheated on in every relationship you get into, then it's clear the problem isn't them. The problem is in your decisions. You're the one picking them.

   Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.

   To me women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

   UNDENIABLE FACTS 101: You were born because, your parents had sex.

   I heard you are good at mathematics! Can you replace my X without asking Y?

   Don't love the person who "enjoys" with you. Love the person who "suffers" without you.

   The Red Plastic Cup.... Making you feel like 15 to 24 years old again!

   Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

   I heard that Steve Jobs was trying to type "I reign as CEO of Apple!" on his iPhone, but the autocorrect got him.

   If I put half as much effort into my relationships as I put into charging my phone I might not die alone...

   I just heard Steve Jobs Resigned from Apple Computers. His last thing to show people today was called a iquit.....

   15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs.