Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.

   Am I a hypochondriac? Well, a cloud just went in front of the sun and I thought I was fainting.

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   maybe they should make a game for your phone where you can shoot women into the air with a slingshot and try to destroy everything men say and call it ANGRY B*TCHES

   's bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation!

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   There's a small child trying to talk to me right now. Quick! What should I do??

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!