Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My computer beat me at chess, but I beat it at kickboxing

   This girl got all pissed off just because I was reading the back of her pants... so what if I was trying to read it in braille

   I hate these goody-two-shoe people who act like genitals are a curse from the devil himself when they actually a gift from god to be enjoyed at every given opportunity.

   Those females w a big a$$ who can't sit still in the club. They just have to walk by you 50 times. Yes yes I see it, its big, now sit down.

   Blaming others for your misfortune can ruin your health -- which you'll probably just blame on somebody else too.

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!

   What do you call a one leeged Japanese woman Wait for it ...... Irene !!!

   sometimes you gotta save peoples numbers just so you know which ones to ignore!!

   today was alot like my X girlfriend... cold and miserable

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   Have you ever thought about the fact that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom?

   So Lady Gaga, goes to the VMA's as alter ego Jo Calderon. I guess the thought of her being a Denny's menu item was not manly enough...!

   Disappointed that Lady Gaga did not show up this year at the VMA's, I was really looking forward to my Grand Slam.

   Maybe Beyonce should have put a NuvaRing on it.

   Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"