Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   I've learned that fights can always be avoided with a slow kiss of the forehead.

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   My kid asks me why the clock says 4:30. Ummm, because it's 4:30. So dumb, I don't care if you're five.

   If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.

   Real recognize real and you don't look familiar to me!

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.

   My brother says Andrew how can you be drinking already its not even 11am, well I said I changed the time on my laptop 2 hours ahead.

   If you're homophobic, it's important to remember that they're more afraid of you than you are of them