Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Preview of Obama's job speech: I may need one in two years.

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   asks..what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!

   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   The later I get, the drunker it is.

   The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.

   They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.

   If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.

   I would have much more respect for someone if they personally sh!t on my lawn rather than have their dog as an intermediary.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson

   Im gonna start my own all white rap group and call it "HWG".....Honkies With Gratitude

   With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

   I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.