Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say life is one long and crazy ride. I wanna know how the hell did I get a ticket and can I get a refund!

   I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   "I think Pimples should be Cool...because if you rearrange the letters, you get Le Pimp" -Katt Williams

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   The way my first love would just melt in my hands,with kisses so sweet,and open hearts full of delicious memories- yes even the decadent Bars that brought us together. Truth is you never forget your first love...especially when its Chocolate.

   I am a deeply superficial person with a profound understanding of all the world within the range of myTV remote control.

   Today i'm 31. That's like 80 in facebook years.

   Cant wait till "National Balls Cancer Awareness Month" so I can confuse you ladies and talk about my cravings...

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   Being paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong