Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

   I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.

   where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   How many cuckold convervatives does it take to stop a dictator? Answer: None. They would rather sit at home and jerk off to one..

   Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?