Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

   The check engine light came on inside my oven.

   Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.

   I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

   I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

   Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

   fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

   What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

   If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

   Filipinos: The Mexicans of the Asian Race

   Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.

   WARNING: If you see a link that tells you to, "Click For Free Nickelback Tickets!", Do not click!! I repeat, DO NOT CLICK!!!! It directs you to a link that will actually give you free Nickelback tickets!!!!

   can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.

   Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.

   I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.