Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   Do you know what I hate about this country?...Larry the Cable Guy.

   I keep it real like a bad magician.

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one...

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6, 7.8, 5.6, 6.7 and the cop.

   (D)umb (R)etards (A)sking for (M)ore (A)ttention

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6 /7.8 /5.6 /.6.7/and 7.3

   You know it's hot outside when you see the Pillsbury dough boy climbing back into the oven while muttering "Screw this, I'd rather be in here."

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   So....Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass....DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison.....so much for complete cavity protection!

   Why do people always pick their noses when they're at a stop light when everyone can see them.

   it's so hot, my balls are now best friends with my knees...

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!

   I ALWAYS cry after sex because I don't know when I'm getting it again.

   If the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong.

   If I could vote for just Romney's hair, I would.

   Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras

   Religion - because thinking for yourself is hard.

   Yes please tell me your hopes and dreams because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile.