Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's put Congress in front of Oprah...

   Going to sleep with a t-shirt on is a great way to wake up knowing what a crocodile death roll feels like

   Unless I see a tombstone of someone who died for not doing so, I won't 'like' your post to prove "love Jesus" or hate cancer.

   If it turns out Lance used drugs to beat cancer, I'm going to be so disappointed.

   Being good at spelling is like knowing how to draw a really cool dragon. Unless you are a tattoo artist, no one cares. Skin doesn't auto correct!

   those Hairy Twatter books were good but I liked the movies better!!

   If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise

   Ladies, is wrong to say that all men want is to get into your pants... some of them want to rip them off.

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   I’m saving time and money by misdiagnosing all my illnesses on the internet!

   Nice try, girls who make up for being fat with makeup, designer bags and shoes. Nice try.

   If Adele's doctor didn't say "the baby looks healthy rolling in the deep" at least once, she needs to find another doctor.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.

   Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.