Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   "I only took imaginary steroids." Lying Lance

   I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.

   Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

   at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...

   I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

   Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   I believe Manti Te'o but it seems like no one else does. I've been arguing about it all morning with my imaginary girlfriend Tina

   To any of you sick guys out there thinking about catfishing me, I'm terrible at texting back and scared of commitment so please just move along.

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.