Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my dog would stop fighting me and just understand that its cold outside and he'd get much better sleep if he was wearing footie pajamas.

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   Girl, are you a drug dealer?? I see a massive crack in you pants.

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   Can you people leave me Alone!!! I already talked to Oprah.......

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way... jest sayin

   What was a horse doing tasting Tesco Burgers anyway?

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   Great innovation idea, pressure-less Air Fresheners. The sound isn't a necessary reminder of what just happened in the loo.

   Dear Abby dies. Ann Landers annouces she was really just an imaginary twin...

   Lots of Catholics are crazy upset about Lennay Kekua being fake. Wait'll they find out about Jesus.

   sings (Mele Kalikimaka) Lennay Kekua is really dead today, the sports networks say, Manti is feeling blue, he's wishing this would all go away

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with