Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.