Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.

   once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.

   I just found out that all the people who say "You haven't changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)

   We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   a relationship between two person should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries, the hand wipes its tear.

   Ron Jeremy is in the hospital... I think I've seen that one before on Redtube.

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...

   If you ever get butterflies in your stomach, maybe you shouldn't have swallowed those caterpillars.

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   I just saw a caveman today. Okay fine, I saw a guy who was sitting on a bench reading a book. Same thing to me.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.

   The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.

   I'm black... but not "really good at basketball black."

   Bartender! There’s ice in my vodka. What is this, kindergarten?

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Welcome to San Francisco, where the weather is nice and the people are gay!

   I got a pet wussy. LIKE if you read that wrong.