Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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As sholes can only make women wet through the tear ducts. 
The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.
I'll bet your Facebook relationship status would be a lot less complicated if you let him stick it in your ass.
The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.
If you have a tattoo in a language you do not speak or understand, then yes I'm allowed to judge you.
Calm down straight guys. 9 times out of 10, g ay guys are only staring at you because you look like sh it and we just wanna give you makeover.
I'll fall for anybody that kisses my neck in the right spot So, yeah, I dated the goat from the petting zoo for a while.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?
I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great
Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...
Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.
why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...
Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.
Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.
Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.
My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today... 