Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   Burn a body in a crematorium and you're "being respectful". . . Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   If you look at "OMICRON," add the letters "SETAGLLIB" and then remove the letters "NORCIMO," the remaining letters spell "BILL GATES." Makes you think, doesn’t it?

   If you notice, 2021 backwards is 1202. If you take away the 1 and the 0, you'll have 22. It doesn't mean anything but thanks for reading.

   I just found out Donald Trump is actually vaccinated. What's up with that!? What a traitor!

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy...

   The “thank you wave”👋🏼 after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the one thing holding this fragile society together.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   My worst fear of getting older is chewing for no reason.

   You know you need to lose weight when none of your towels fit

   The “thank you wave”after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is one thing holding this fragile society together

   Her: "I always like YOUR posts, how come you never like MY posts?" Me: "Because I don't like your posts."

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are 50 years old. The first WOKE cereals ever.

   I hate when my wife corrects me,so I said to her "Sarah I want a divorce" she responds with "my name is Debbie"

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   i love how everyone is like "I'ma take this to the next level" meh most of you could get past level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."