Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please help me! The invisible spider-monkeys are trying to sequester me!

   According to Nostradamus Prophecies, Politicians can resist a Nuclear Winter, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a direct Meteor Impact, the Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons. But not a Sequester!

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

   "Girls Gone Wild"....Just Sequestered President Obama..I Betcha!

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   From political deadlock to fiscal cliff to sequester, the American Soap opera "All my White House & Congress' failures" continues to draw national disappointments & worldwide miseries.

   "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?

   Those women who claim to be offended the "C" word, are usually the biggest ones.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.