Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think the secret of walking on water is knowing where the stones are.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I dont want to wake up, I'm a sleepy head kid. Theres a million things I need to do but I want to sleep in. ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.

   My car was stolen last night..I was going to call the police but then I thought 'nevermind...I'll let him try explain the bodies in the trunk...'

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention

   Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems

   Some girls drink to get drunk. Some drink to get bi.

   Just had a call from a guy with a foreign accent call me from "Microsoft"....I told him the only problem I was having was when I booted up the startup screen showed a pic of his Mom and a donkey..............."click"

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.