Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   As long as my stalker has a car, I don't mind one bit. Cuz free roadside assistance.

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

   I need to work on playing hard-to-get. At this point I've pretty much mastered playing there-ya-go!

   Why would I want to go to Heaven? None of my friends will be there.

   I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.

   Cous Cous: So good they named it twice.

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.

   1 cat = 10 years of being single. Now take that and multiply it by the amount of cats you have.

   I want to formally apologize to cats for being the go-to animal for crazy and lonely people .

   The white house has a new Benghazi slogan: Hope and change the subject

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?

   Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.