Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

   If Joe Biden's economy is so good, why can't those student loans people pay back their own loans?

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

   Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the 18th floor night club, was not a bouncer.

   I had a babysitter and she didnt watch me and I stick a pencil up my nose

   In an Ironically turn of events, Ford recalled 43,000 white Ford Broncos yesterday. OK I made up the white part.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   I was watching Family Feud. I can't believe they've found that many black families with a dad.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   Romans after the eclipse… Veni, vidi, nōn vidi!

   Four pair of solar eclipse glasses for sale. Just used for just a few minutes. 1/2 price. 😎

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I could add to these.

   Wondering, what are the aliens on the dark side of the moon doing? Seeing the sun for the first time?

   You know, while we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either.

   To all you folks out there that have no life and need this Eclipse to fulfill that void in your life? I heard if you moon the eclipse, you will become a smart ass like me and will become significant and with purpose!!

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.