Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   Merry Drunk I'm Christmas

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.

   Spending the night sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   Marriage ain't a bed of roses. Nothing explains this statement than a man spending the night on the couch /o\

   On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.

   Merry Chrithmith!!!- Mike Tyson

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

   I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .