Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?

   My safe word is Obamacare.

   I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.

   What's with these atheists getting all snarky on us believers on Easter. We didn't give them a hard tome on April Fool's Day.

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.

   Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

   I might be white, but I'm not "saves plastic grocery bags to use for trash can liners" white.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.