Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola

   The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   [walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

   Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you

   Sorry, when you said you liked rough sex I thought you meant rough as in "not good"

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone